Dear Community of the Covenant,

I became painfully aware of the deeply rooted wickedness within our Flock shortly after taken my new office of Bishop of Everything Presbyterian. This must be dealt with swiftly and in a serious manner, as I am sure my Underlings can attest to. It is appropriate, as seen in both church history and relative consistency of effectiveness, to pronounce anathema, as deemed appropriate by higher ecclesiastical power (in this case, that being myself) Following the lead of the Bishop of the Georgetown See of the Free Catholic Church I will now adapt His Lordship's Form Letter for use in our own inferior (although improving) ecclesiastical setting. If I feel it to be necessary, I will issue one of these letters (on goat-skin parchment, for added effect...) and you will have a set-limit of time to respond accordingly. If you feel yourself to be in error, as guided either by the Holy Spirit of God or by a shocking realization that your denomination is NOT Catholic-friendly, and you send in a letter of renouncing sorrow and a suitable indulgence (cream cheese mints tend to do the trick) I will consider the option of sparing the rod. And so we begin:

Dearest (pick one) in the Church of Presbyterianism,

*unrepentant sinner
*flaming heretic
*erring sister or brother
*Pentecostal adherent

I am sure that many of you are aware of the recent re:imagining of ecclesiastical order within our prestigious Presbyterian tradition, namely, the instituting of a higher shepherding order, the Office of Bishop. As I am also sure you are aware, I am in Lordship of that Office. Regardless of whether or not one was aware of such a blessing from our most high God, it is now in place, so deal with it. I assume you know that the Office of Bishop is to gently correct the wayward sheep of our eclectic flock and bring them back to the pastures of eternal peace and the wells of everlasting life and not let them suffer the pitfalls of the Satan or the snares of various heresies which I shall later elaborate on. With such responsibility comes a grievous thing, wicked to the vulgar and un-regenerate eye: excommunication. It is a sad thing when one of our own will leave the Knowledge unto Salvation for the road which knows only perdition and fiery destruction, yet it is a rather common occurrence amongst we Protestants.

It deeply pains me to pronounce such a high a terrible judgment upon a soul which shall only know what ails it upon rejection by our most High God, maker of both heaven and earth. But, for the sake of the community (its purity and safe-keeping, entrusted to the Bishops by God himself) I shall feel no remorse.

Therefore, having been led by the Spirit to the illumination of suck dark devices, I, Bishop Mike, must tell you that it is no small matter that you have (circle all that apply):

*Recently begun to reject your baptism as an infant for a "newer one"
*Taken up the wicked and deceiful doctrines of the Pentecostals
*Taken part in a worship gathering where the American flag was seated next to the Alter of the Holy Eucharist
*Mocked the the hairstylings and musical sympathies of his Lordship
*Suggested a less formal liturgy in order to be more "relevant"
*Fully read any book by condemned heretics: John Piper or Pat Robertson
*Listened to any CCM music within two square-miles of his Lordship's presence
*Taken sympathies with the Basque nation
*Vocally announced the disturbing likeness of his holiness, Pope Benedict XXVI and the sith lord, Darth Sidious
*other ________________

These actions have offended the purity of the Bride and, without repentance and the purchasing of indulgences, lessened the expectations of Our Bridegroom, the Saviour himself. As a result, both evidence of turning-ways and an offering of sacrifice and reconciliation to his Lordship, I expect the following actions to be taken:


*The full financial burden of his Lordship's educational expenses
*Public renunciation of said heresies and/or offensive actions (while bound with bale-twine and cow-grease smeared upon one's naked arse)
*The purchasing of fuel for the Holy Automobile for one years time
* Chinese water-torture followed by ninety-eight hours of Lawrence Welk re-runs with one's eyes sown open

You will have (circle one) 10 30 60 90 days to respond appropriately before the might fist of our just and righteous God kisses you in the face and a formal letter of anathema is issued.

Peace and Blueberries,

Mike Noakes,

Bishop of Everything Presbyterian.